Almost there. Almost.

Hello Anna :) *waves

Sun, 04 Mar 2012 17:20:41 -0500

Hello Anna :)

*waves

Took me ages that did. Hello Neil. I’m back :) Here...

Sun, 04 Mar 2012 17:20:09 -0500

Took me ages that did. Hello Neil. I’m back :)

Here anyway.

Excellent Muppets blog.

"A thoroughly modern man matches his profession to his ethics, not his ethics to his profession."

Sat, 18 Dec 2010 04:27:36 -0500

“A thoroughly modern man matches his profession to his ethics, not his ethics to his profession.”

- (via woodyben)
:)

Waiting.

Wed, 27 Oct 2010 16:57:41 -0400

Always waiting.

more lengthy response, longer, lovelier. Sigh.....

Mon, 13 Sep 2010 17:22:35 -0400

Well Carly
Am sad that I upset you , it certainly wasn’t my intention miss B.A. well done, i’m on the last three weeks of my coarse had 1 exam got a distinction 2 to go but i’m on top of it . When you said about your camper i nearly fell of my seat, this your never going to believe when i was around 4 years my dad had a volkswagen pick up he would then put the canvas hood on the back and a mattress on the floor we went camping it wiz great so if you go to whitley bay look for my two ships i left them out for the night by the sea shore and you guessed it they were gone in the morning. now please dont be dwelling to much on what i say to much you haven’t done anything wrong in fact your great. it will be better if you new me in person and got to understand when im serious and when i’m my normal stupid happy go lucky attitude, anyway kid am away to see ma pop on thursday but ill be in touch after that.
lots of love dadee xxx…

Short reply, not very sweet. Still waiting.......

Sat, 11 Sep 2010 16:38:59 -0400

Carly, baby I think that you are top banana it was supposed to be a light hearted comment am sorry it upset you so dinny feel sad babe cos am chuffed wit u and Ben you have managed to achieve what I failed in, any way ill b back later got to go to the dentist love yer dad

late reply.

Thu, 09 Sep 2010 17:49:09 -0400

Hello, it’s me. Today was Milly’s 6th birthday. Sadly she spent the day at school. Not the best way to spend your birthday but I think she had fun. We made cakes last night for her class, and one for each of her teachers AND the Headteacher and Deputy. Such a kiss arse! Like me…. hehe. We had a great holiday in our tent, we went to Devon for two weeks. It rained solidly, well, almost. This year we decided we would improve our holidays for next year by buying a campervan. A classic, VW, 1978. Year of our birth…………. we are very excited about that. Also, I had my degree classification; I was awarded a 2:1, which is pretty damn amazing for a mother of two. You can call me; Carly Sarah Woodall (Robertson) BA (hons) if you like? I’m proud of myself, I just can’t help it. I would have replied sooner but have been pondering over things you wrote in your last email. I cannot lie to you; your comment about my acted anniversary party photos made me sad. Of course they were acted! It was a party! Did you not like them? Were you not delighted to receive them? Do you not want my pictures? What do you want? I’m buggered if I know. I always tell myself that I’ll wait for you to seek me out ‘this time’. I never manage it do I? I wonder why that is? I wonder why I can’t let this go, you, go. I realise that this might be hard to read, indeed, it’s fucking tough to write. But, I’m at a funny place. I felt conflicted about telling you this because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, then I realised that it’s not fair on me to be the only hurty one. Here I am, sharing my life with you, giving you my two best things; Milly and Sonny. Do you want us? or are we too much? Should I have not contacted you? Left well alone? I need to know, I’m sorry to be so brutal, but I don’t know what to do next. Love to you and the girls, Carly xxx

Photo

Fri, 03 Sep 2010 02:58:11 -0400

Milly is 6

Fri, 03 Sep 2010 02:57:20 -0400

Not been here in a while. Came back from holiday hoping for an email from Dad. Nothing. Two months. I know I said I was giving up, I might cave soon.

This was a Dad blog.

Now it’s a parent blog.

I know why you moved away Mum. And I understand it. I do.

This morning Milly came into our bedroom, she had a cuddle then took herself off to find her uniform, get herself dressed, brush teeth etc. She came back into our bedroom and started brushing her hair. She’s so grown up. She brushed it like such a big girl, not leaving any knots and being so meticulous.

Couldn’t sleep last night for ages. Was thinking about a conversation I’d had with my Mum earlier regarding Millys birthday. I’d called her to invite her to Millys tea party.

Every time I ask Mum to be involved in that kinda stuff I feel her physically tense, she breathes faster and is nervous. She declined my invite. She said Sunday was a busy day for her now, what with church and everything. Said she’d send Millys present down with my sister and she’d catch up with Milly soon.

So. I have an amazing, sparkling, spirited and beautiful six year old, who melts my heart daily. She’s so bright. Sooo enchanting. Neither of my parents will be at her birthday tea. Nice.

I didn’t cry after the phone call. Was quite sad in bed last night. Tears rolling as I write this.

Wasn’t going to bother blogging, then as I watched Milly brush her hair this morning I realised I wanted to.

I feel like I talk about this a lot. I know I don’t ACTUALLY discuss it, but I think I feel like I do because it dominates so much of my thought space. I talk about it to myself so much I guess.

I miss my Mum so much. We used to be so close as I grew up. She’s a great Mum. She did a good job. So I don’t know why this makes me so sad.

But it does. Today, anyway. I’m not sure I’ll ever have them, either of them. My increased need/want/desire to have them in my life irritates the fuck out of me. I hate the way I’m reduced to a puddle and every time I allow myself to wallow.

I shouldn’t need them. Should I? I have everything I need, I know. I want my parents though. And today I really want my mum.

That's enough.

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 09:06:51 -0400

I’ve decided. I know I have said it before. But I’m giving up trying.

Two weeks I waited for this. Two long weeks.

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 14:54:42 -0400

well
here we are again, very nice photo’s a bit acted though but very nice all the same,so what was that all about? then. emmas not spoken to me for three week’s, but that’s not bad, helen has gone up her mamas for her birthday 81 to-day, anyway i’m in school but ive just finished a mock and i’m waiting for it to be marked, the real mc coy to-morrow.hows yer kids ? brocken up yet ? anyway got to go now tutor’s about.
p.s. my new web add x x x

Ben just said: “are you getting ANYTHING out of this?”

I said: “no”

Sighing, no crying.

Today

Sat, 10 Jul 2010 12:17:52 -0400

I spent a sunny day in St Albans with my girl, my Nanna and her friend Wend. I wanted to document what Nanna and Wend mean to each other. They always call each other sis. Sometimes when Wend is telling Nanny off she calls her Sarah Jane. Sometimes my Nanna is quite dominant with Wend, like a big sister. They must’ve been friends for fifty years plus. They are quite literally like sisters. They love each other so much. Neither of them have men in their lives, that’s so ok though because they’ve got each other. Every Saturday Nanny buys Wend her newspaper for her, sometimes she buys flowers, depending on how Wend’s feeling. Then Nanna goes to Wend’s and they do this thing where Wend says: ‘I’d better pay you for my paper before you say I never pay you the 80p’ then Nanna says: ‘I’ve never said that before’ and Wend takes the coins from her little-extra-in-addition-to-a-proper-zip-up coin-purse and gives them to Nanny as she has her little-extra-in-addition-to-a proper-zip-up-coin-purse open and ready to receive said coins. So cute. Every Saturday they do that. Every bloody Saturday.

In St Albans I was reminded of just how hilarious old ladies can be. Last time this pair were in St. Albans together my Nanna fell down a tiny step and really badly sprained her ankle. There was much discussion of this throughout the day and there was a really funny point when we were about to descend some steps; Wend stopped us all and said: ‘now Sarah Jane, there ARE steps here’ and knowing looks were exchanged between all of us grown ups and the two of them giggled as Nanna clipped Wend around her ear. So cute.

Wend is the most gentle person in the entire world. I’ve known her all my life. She’s just gorgeous. She reminds me of a female version of Michael Palin. I was listening to her talking to Milly in the back of the car. She has untold amounts of patience. Milly instantly loved her. A couple of months ago my Nanna finally came into some money that she’d been waiting for for ages. The first thing she did was book a holiday to visit her pen friend of sixty years in America, that she’s never met. She booked a ticket for Wend too, because she couldn’t leave her behind.

I hope above all hopes that when I get to that age I have a friend like Wend. I am so glad that they have each other. T’was a happy day.

Over the last couple of years my Nanna has become so important to me. Not sure why really. I just feel happy and comfortable in her company. I feel like she instantly knows what I need and how to look after me.

So....: Doors

Fri, 09 Jul 2010 05:11:02 -0400

So....: Doors:

Footfall on wet paving. Rapid, uncontrolled, caring not for their next impact. Breathing jagged, panting. Stacatto, exherted grunts, unthinking, unbidden.

A light, sapphire blue, pulsing, pulsing, pulsing. A skitter and skid, rubber sole straining to a halt, leaving just raw, shuddering breaths,…

Wow Rob.

reply reply reply!

Mon, 28 Jun 2010 15:14:54 -0400

Hello Dad, Sorry it’s taken a while. As ever it’s been busy here. Firstly, I’m delighted that you liked the Fathers Day card. When I sent it, I want you to understand, that my intention was not to make you feel guilty. To be honest, that’s the last thing I want. I don’t want you guilty and I don’t want to carry on with this contact if that’s how it makes you feel. I do not want you guilty. I know enough about the situation to appreciate that nobody is actually to blame for anything that happened all those years ago. I’m not sure if I’ve told you before, maybe, can’t remember, but I have no interest in the past. I blame nobody. Besides, we both turned out fine, Lucy and I. Truly. We are both happy, well balanced girls. We are. We are extremely close these days too, which I love. I remember running her toothbrush around the rim of the toilet when we were little as she has stolen something from my perfectly neat half of the bedroom. Once, she threw some scissors at my leg. I said “Ha! You missed” then she retrieved them and had another go resulting in stitches. We were so horrible to each other. Now though, we are so close. I have to be honest and tell you that she doesn’t know that I’m back in contact with you. I was wondering; would you like me to tell her? I don’t know why I’ve not. Never found the right moment I guess. She’s been very busy of late, and, she’s really happy; settled beautifully with a great man called Chris. They live in Flitwick. Please don’t beat yourself up about the old stuff. It’s the future that I want, honestly. The future. As for us; we are all great. Ben has just been promoted, this is fantastic news, or rather it would be if he didn’t hate his job! But, it’s a prestigious promotion all the same and we are very proud of him. He is also about to embark on his photography degree which excites him much more than any job could. Milly has lost another tooth! This caused great excitement as you can imagine, another gap plus another £2 coin in her money box! Ben and I debated the amount at great length, I was sure that £1 was more than enough, but relented and £2 is now the standard that has been set forever more! I have some pics of gappy. I’ll attach one to this. Sonny is as bouncy as ever. Getting up ridiculously early. 5:30 on Saturday, little git. His new interest is Lego, he loves it. Always taking himself up to his bedroom, coming down beaming with some new creation. He’s sooooooooooooooo cute. Still very excited about starting school. And, I’m lovely at the moment thanks. Feel so happy to have finished my degree, and enjoying doing very little. I needed a rest, was so very exhausted. Starting to feel like I actually have a life again. I like the feeling, a lot. So looking forward to our summer holiday. In other news Ben and I celebrated our ten year wedding anniversary a couple of weeks ago. We had a big party. Was epic. Was amazing. Was awesome. Not really sure where that ten years went, don’t really care either! Have attached a pic from the party to this email too. Hope that this finds you all well and happy, please pass my love to your girls, and have some yourself. Write soon, Love Carly xxx

:(

Mon, 21 Jun 2010 12:23:45 -0400

don’t relish the thought of him turning up on my doorstep either.

email

Mon, 21 Jun 2010 12:01:16 -0400

Well good morning to you ‘Carly Sarah’ and the Woodall cookie crew fank’s for the card which sparked the usual angst but had a very nice outcome Emma came in from work and asked ‘wot’s the matter dad’?I’m feeling guilty ‘well you shouldn’t you’ve been a good dad to me I’m sure you would have been as good to Carly & Lucy’ well take ma breath away I must have done something right.Well I finally got my computer coarse started so after 1 week I’m very hopeful its given me the inspiration to do my book properly,So thing’s are looking up for me .Told ma papa about your degree he was well chuffed his words to me ‘Its taken 3 generations to get there’,He should have gone to collage only child in his school to leave with all his higher the equivalent of ‘A’ level’s an I could hear a wee croak in his voice. So now you got to go further but I know you will, Emma’s of to Benidorm for two week’s not happy about leaving Ashley she got it bad but it’ll show it’s true colours now.How’s Millie,Joe no Ben of.k. i hope. how’s about your wayward sister Lucy? still looking for stuff on this keyboard ma brain was fair pickled last week just what i needed.I’m going to upset you one fine day I’m going to turn up on your doorstep and make you cry for joy just like you do to me,anyway am going to close now, so you all take care luv yer Dad xxx

Email I've been waiting for arrived. Bad timing.

Mon, 21 Jun 2010 11:59:12 -0400

Crying crying crying. I don’t want him guilty. I should never have started this. Such a messy mess.

Photo

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 10:17:19 -0400

Wedding anniversary and pre graduation celebrations.

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 10:15:55 -0400

Wedding anniversary and pre graduation celebrations.

Well

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 10:14:37 -0400

Still not replied to that Godforsaken email. Have, however just posted a Fathers Day card.

Hhhmmm.