more lengthy response, longer, lovelier. Sigh.....
Well Carly Am sad that I upset you , it certainly wasn’t my intention miss B.A. well done, i’m on the last three weeks of my coarse had 1 exam got a distinction 2 to go but i’m on top of it . When you said about your camper i nearly fell of my seat, this your never going to believe when i was around 4 years my dad had a volkswagen pick up he would then put the canvas hood on the back and a mattress on the floor we went camping it wiz great so if you go to whitley bay look for my two ships i left them out for the night by the sea shore and you guessed it they were gone in the morning. now please dont be dwelling to much on what i say to much you haven’t done anything wrong in fact your great. it will be better if you new me in person and got to understand when im serious and when i’m my normal stupid happy go lucky attitude, anyway kid am away to see ma pop on thursday but ill be in touch after that. lots of love dadee xxx…
Carly, baby I think that you are top banana it was supposed to be a light hearted comment am sorry it upset you so dinny feel sad babe cos am chuffed wit u and Ben you have managed to achieve what I failed in, any way ill b back later got to go to the dentist love yer dad
Hello, it’s me. Today was Milly’s 6th birthday. Sadly she spent the day at school. Not the best way to spend your birthday but I think she had fun. We made cakes last night for her class, and one for each of her teachers AND the Headteacher and Deputy. Such a kiss arse! Like me…. hehe. We had a great holiday in our tent, we went to Devon for two weeks. It rained solidly, well, almost. This year we decided we would improve our holidays for next year by buying a campervan. A classic, VW, 1978. Year of our birth…………. we are very excited about that. Also, I had my degree classification; I was awarded a 2:1, which is pretty damn amazing for a mother of two. You can call me; Carly Sarah Woodall (Robertson) BA (hons) if you like? I’m proud of myself, I just can’t help it. I would have replied sooner but have been pondering over things you wrote in your last email. I cannot lie to you; your comment about my acted anniversary party photos made me sad. Of course they were acted! It was a party! Did you not like them? Were you not delighted to receive them? Do you not want my pictures? What do you want? I’m buggered if I know. I always tell myself that I’ll wait for you to seek me out ‘this time’. I never manage it do I? I wonder why that is? I wonder why I can’t let this go, you, go. I realise that this might be hard to read, indeed, it’s fucking tough to write. But, I’m at a funny place. I felt conflicted about telling you this because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, then I realised that it’s not fair on me to be the only hurty one. Here I am, sharing my life with you, giving you my two best things; Milly and Sonny. Do you want us? or are we too much? Should I have not contacted you? Left well alone? I need to know, I’m sorry to be so brutal, but I don’t know what to do next. Love to you and the girls, Carly xxx
Not been here in a while. Came back from holiday hoping for an email from Dad. Nothing. Two months. I know I said I was giving up, I might cave soon.
This was a Dad blog.
Now it’s a parent blog.
I know why you moved away Mum. And I understand it. I do.
This morning Milly came into our bedroom, she had a cuddle then took herself off to find her uniform, get herself dressed, brush teeth etc. She came back into our bedroom and started brushing her hair. She’s so grown up. She brushed it like such a big girl, not leaving any knots and being so meticulous.
Couldn’t sleep last night for ages. Was thinking about a conversation I’d had with my Mum earlier regarding Millys birthday. I’d called her to invite her to Millys tea party.
Every time I ask Mum to be involved in that kinda stuff I feel her physically tense, she breathes faster and is nervous. She declined my invite. She said Sunday was a busy day for her now, what with church and everything. Said she’d send Millys present down with my sister and she’d catch up with Milly soon.
So. I have an amazing, sparkling, spirited and beautiful six year old, who melts my heart daily. She’s so bright. Sooo enchanting. Neither of my parents will be at her birthday tea. Nice.
I didn’t cry after the phone call. Was quite sad in bed last night. Tears rolling as I write this.
Wasn’t going to bother blogging, then as I watched Milly brush her hair this morning I realised I wanted to.
I feel like I talk about this a lot. I know I don’t ACTUALLY discuss it, but I think I feel like I do because it dominates so much of my thought space. I talk about it to myself so much I guess.
I miss my Mum so much. We used to be so close as I grew up. She’s a great Mum. She did a good job. So I don’t know why this makes me so sad.
But it does. Today, anyway. I’m not sure I’ll ever have them, either of them. My increased need/want/desire to have them in my life irritates the fuck out of me. I hate the way I’m reduced to a puddle and every time I allow myself to wallow.
I shouldn’t need them. Should I? I have everything I need, I know. I want my parents though. And today I really want my mum.
well here we are again, very nice photo’s a bit acted though but very nice all the same,so what was that all about? then. emmas not spoken to me for three week’s, but that’s not bad, helen has gone up her mamas for her birthday 81 to-day, anyway i’m in school but ive just finished a mock and i’m waiting for it to be marked, the real mc coy to-morrow.hows yer kids ? brocken up yet ? anyway got to go now tutor’s about. p.s. my new web add x x x
Ben just said: “are you getting ANYTHING out of this?”
I spent a sunny day in St Albans with my girl, my Nanna and her friend Wend. I wanted to document what Nanna and Wend mean to each other. They always call each other sis. Sometimes when Wend is telling Nanny off she calls her Sarah Jane. Sometimes my Nanna is quite dominant with Wend, like a big sister. They must’ve been friends for fifty years plus. They are quite literally like sisters. They love each other so much. Neither of them have men in their lives, that’s so ok though because they’ve got each other. Every Saturday Nanny buys Wend her newspaper for her, sometimes she buys flowers, depending on how Wend’s feeling. Then Nanna goes to Wend’s and they do this thing where Wend says: ‘I’d better pay you for my paper before you say I never pay you the 80p’ then Nanna says: ‘I’ve never said that before’ and Wend takes the coins from her little-extra-in-addition-to-a-proper-zip-up coin-purse and gives them to Nanny as she has her little-extra-in-addition-to-a proper-zip-up-coin-purse open and ready to receive said coins. So cute. Every Saturday they do that. Every bloody Saturday.
In St Albans I was reminded of just how hilarious old ladies can be. Last time this pair were in St. Albans together my Nanna fell down a tiny step and really badly sprained her ankle. There was much discussion of this throughout the day and there was a really funny point when we were about to descend some steps; Wend stopped us all and said: ‘now Sarah Jane, there ARE steps here’ and knowing looks were exchanged between all of us grown ups and the two of them giggled as Nanna clipped Wend around her ear. So cute.
Wend is the most gentle person in the entire world. I’ve known her all my life. She’s just gorgeous. She reminds me of a female version of Michael Palin. I was listening to her talking to Milly in the back of the car. She has untold amounts of patience. Milly instantly loved her. A couple of months ago my Nanna finally came into some money that she’d been waiting for for ages. The first thing she did was book a holiday to visit her pen friend of sixty years in America, that she’s never met. She booked a ticket for Wend too, because she couldn’t leave her behind.
I hope above all hopes that when I get to that age I have a friend like Wend. I am so glad that they have each other. T’was a happy day.
Over the last couple of years my Nanna has become so important to me. Not sure why really. I just feel happy and comfortable in her company. I feel like she instantly knows what I need and how to look after me.
Hello Dad, Sorry it’s taken a while. As ever it’s been busy here. Firstly, I’m delighted that you liked the Fathers Day card. When I sent it, I want you to understand, that my intention was not to make you feel guilty. To be honest, that’s the last thing I want. I don’t want you guilty and I don’t want to carry on with this contact if that’s how it makes you feel. I do not want you guilty. I know enough about the situation to appreciate that nobody is actually to blame for anything that happened all those years ago. I’m not sure if I’ve told you before, maybe, can’t remember, but I have no interest in the past. I blame nobody. Besides, we both turned out fine, Lucy and I. Truly. We are both happy, well balanced girls. We are. We are extremely close these days too, which I love. I remember running her toothbrush around the rim of the toilet when we were little as she has stolen something from my perfectly neat half of the bedroom. Once, she threw some scissors at my leg. I said “Ha! You missed” then she retrieved them and had another go resulting in stitches. We were so horrible to each other. Now though, we are so close. I have to be honest and tell you that she doesn’t know that I’m back in contact with you. I was wondering; would you like me to tell her? I don’t know why I’ve not. Never found the right moment I guess. She’s been very busy of late, and, she’s really happy; settled beautifully with a great man called Chris. They live in Flitwick. Please don’t beat yourself up about the old stuff. It’s the future that I want, honestly. The future. As for us; we are all great. Ben has just been promoted, this is fantastic news, or rather it would be if he didn’t hate his job! But, it’s a prestigious promotion all the same and we are very proud of him. He is also about to embark on his photography degree which excites him much more than any job could. Milly has lost another tooth! This caused great excitement as you can imagine, another gap plus another £2 coin in her money box! Ben and I debated the amount at great length, I was sure that £1 was more than enough, but relented and £2 is now the standard that has been set forever more! I have some pics of gappy. I’ll attach one to this. Sonny is as bouncy as ever. Getting up ridiculously early. 5:30 on Saturday, little git. His new interest is Lego, he loves it. Always taking himself up to his bedroom, coming down beaming with some new creation. He’s sooooooooooooooo cute. Still very excited about starting school. And, I’m lovely at the moment thanks. Feel so happy to have finished my degree, and enjoying doing very little. I needed a rest, was so very exhausted. Starting to feel like I actually have a life again. I like the feeling, a lot. So looking forward to our summer holiday. In other news Ben and I celebrated our ten year wedding anniversary a couple of weeks ago. We had a big party. Was epic. Was amazing. Was awesome. Not really sure where that ten years went, don’t really care either! Have attached a pic from the party to this email too. Hope that this finds you all well and happy, please pass my love to your girls, and have some yourself. Write soon, Love Carly xxx
Well good morning to you ‘Carly Sarah’ and the Woodall cookie crew fank’s for the card which sparked the usual angst but had a very nice outcome Emma came in from work and asked ‘wot’s the matter dad’?I’m feeling guilty ‘well you shouldn’t you’ve been a good dad to me I’m sure you would have been as good to Carly & Lucy’ well take ma breath away I must have done something right.Well I finally got my computer coarse started so after 1 week I’m very hopeful its given me the inspiration to do my book properly,So thing’s are looking up for me .Told ma papa about your degree he was well chuffed his words to me ‘Its taken 3 generations to get there’,He should have gone to collage only child in his school to leave with all his higher the equivalent of ‘A’ level’s an I could hear a wee croak in his voice. So now you got to go further but I know you will, Emma’s of to Benidorm for two week’s not happy about leaving Ashley she got it bad but it’ll show it’s true colours now.How’s Millie,Joe no Ben of.k. i hope. how’s about your wayward sister Lucy? still looking for stuff on this keyboard ma brain was fair pickled last week just what i needed.I’m going to upset you one fine day I’m going to turn up on your doorstep and make you cry for joy just like you do to me,anyway am going to close now, so you all take care luv yer Dad xxx
So I run. And one of my runs from the village of Wheathampstead takes me through Lamerwood golf course. Lamerwood was an exclusive leisure facility set within beautiful Hertfordshire countryside, but recently things have changed. As a golf course Lamerwood has died, but in the process it has been…
congratulations to you well done girl,really chuffed i would nt worry to much about the other cos if as i suspect,you have a wee bit of me that wont let you give in. so milly s got wobbly teeth i used to love wigling them with ma tongue noo ive very little left so you better watch out, and as for wee joe i was four when i had my tonsils out great loads of nurses & ice cream ,see i was a dirty old man even back then. member ma first day at school too. my mum took me along the road about 100 meters from my house , on a cold damp september morning done up like a model schoolboy from the just William era of the time, brand new satchel, new shoes, cap no all my hair was plastered with brillcream hate the stuff as i do now. i was bawling my wee heart out, shut up says she awl the big boys will laugh at you & they did but no for long come breaktime had ma first fight with a boy called willy wintin knocked his teeth out, own fault wouldn’t stop teasing me anyway soon all forgot as we went home. emmas still loved up n helen is praying for me to get a job to get me out the house, your going to have a big void in your life such is life eh give you some primetime. ma dads good going to email those pics later hows your main man ben tell milly she got to look after her new teeth look fer the fairy buy fer noo dad xxx
Ok, hello, here goes, this’ll be a longun and sorry for the delay. I didn’t get a place on the course, this is for the best. I’d waited a very long time for that interview, 6 years. Too long. I rushed into it because my degree was finishing and was frightened of not having my future mapped out in front of me. It would have meant very long days away from the children for almost a year. No dropping them to school, no collecting. No being there when they are poorly, no nothing. So, I didn’t get a place and it was for the best. Faced with the reality it didn’t seem so appealing. I’ve decided to take a year out, take the summer off at least and figure out what I really want and exactly how I want to train. I will teach, most definately. The University of Hertfordshire offer a much more flexible part time post grad course, I am looking to start that in 2011. Maybe. We’ll see. For now my motivations are the children and spending as much time as possible with them and Benj. Sonny starts school (pre-school) on Sept 7th. He’s very excited, as is Milly to have him there. That means the end really, the start of school. He won’t be mine anymore, not fully anyway. Milly has two wobbly teeth. I keep trying to get her to let me twist them out but she’s not having any of it. Wimp. Mum always used to pull mine out for me. Or I’d do it myself, so impatient am I. Ben has tonsilitis. Again. Poor baby, in agony for the most part of this week but finally brave enough to have asked the GP for a referral to have them out. And. And I have finally finished my degree, after six looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong years. I can’t really describe how I feel but, elated will do for now. And freer and happy. Looking forward to the summer, first real holiday with my family and without my books. Hooray. How are you? What’s been occuring in Cardiff? How is Helen? Emma? Tell me something I don’t already know :o) Hoping that this finds you all well, Love Carly xxx
HI TO YOU ALL well missus you certainly lifted the dark cloud around my head no sooner had I read ur email an envelope popped through the letter box WOW a wee scary monster peeked out at me , Brill you certainly know how to make me happy its really quite unnerving how my child that only got to know me through her own endeavor ,i really am a rich man pity it wasn’t in cash but ill settle for what i got. i see your hard at it with yer studies not sure about the lingo they don’t have that word in my oxford dictionary Ha ha ha, you will get on got great faith in you all.well things are settling down hear am waiting to go on dedicated computer coarse sooner the better i had to sit three exams english,maths ,and communication, ive been told not to be like you hm you watch the job market pick up then ill be in a real dilemma but in my heart want to do the course which be of great benefit to my book . ma dads at again bought a new telly (nothing wrong with his old one) every time i go home ive got a list of jobs from him,but i love spending time with him, have to bite ma lip when he gives me a bollocking. anyway im distracting you now so ill close for now fingers crossed ,don’t think you need it luv dad xxx
Hello, so sorry for the delay. So sorry also to hear about the loss of your friends. All is well here. Ben and I have been at a child free wedding this weekend, we had the most wonderful time. Only slightly tainted by me getting too drunk and returning to the bar in my pyjamas, semi-humiliating us both, then running off to the the loo to puke. I made it to the loo. This makes the puking fine. We had a great time indeed. With regards to my studies; I’m almost there. I’m about to write 2000 words on teenage social realist fiction. Then I have 4000 to write on this years Carnegie award winner called Bog Child, when they’re both done I’ll have my degree. Thank fuck. Last week I had the interview for my PGCE (post grad cert in education) It went ok. I think I failed the maths test part. The English test was ok, then there was a group interview and solo one. Both of these went well but I am constantly worried by the thought that I come across as ‘too much’, I’ve much to say. I’m full on, I scare some people. I know this. You either love me or hate me. We’ll see, I should hear in two weeks time. If I don’t get on I’ll be gutted. If I do get on I’ll have to leave the children for the first time in six years. Not sure how I feel at the moment; very emotional, that’s for sure. Milly and Sonny are both good. You can call him what you like! I have recent photos, I will pop them in the post this week. I promise. No point in looking back Dad, won’t change anything. We both turned out beautifully, as I am sure Emma is. No fear. We are who we are, what is done is done. Things are good. Write when you can, Love Carly Sarah xx
I got this a couple of weeks back, five and a half to be precise, Helen is my Dad’s lady:
Hi Carly, its Helen ur dad asked me to email u, to say he is up in Scotland at the moment and he will be in touch when he gets back, hope u are all keeping well. X I replied like this:Thank you for letting me know Helen, I really appreciate it. How are you? Cxx And got this in return: Lonely, but loving the peace and quiet and not having to tidy up after him, I said this: Mmmm. I know those feelings; I love it when Ben’s away for a bit, doing as I please, everything staying as I like it, bed to myself, eat what I like………………. blissy. Sorry you’re lonely, hope he’ll be back to you soon xx I liked this contact with Helen. Admittedly the fact that she ended a sentence with a comma annoyed the LIFE outta me, but on the whole I was happy that you had considered me important enough to let me know. Thanks for that. I’ve spent the last five weeks worrying exactly what you were doing up there, but then yesterday you told me:
hello Mrs. woodall aye, am back for the a while been a bad time lately lost two good ones within a week of each other one of whom your mother new from when we met. her name was senga and she worked in the golden egg in luton in the late 70s,i as glad to see her whilst she was still alive,was able to say goodbye before she went.52 she was then my best mate in cardiff 48 had a heart attack, dave the fish,great guy have to wait on the coroner s report what a mess,still were still here and the show must go on. am sorry to open this way but I hope it may explain my absence,am away again sept pleasure i hope. so hows you ben millie & sj, can i call him sonny or joe please. looks like emmas in love or very close brings a big smile to my faceas it would be with you & lucv, we ll no go doon that road so whats happening with your exams n what not, can you please fill my head with as much info as poss so i can look forward n no knead to look back in anger looking forward to your reply am sorry again lots of love to you all dad Now then, this is a fantastic email. My favourite one so far. You sound like a person that I want to know. You sound like a caring and loving man. You sound like a father. I have not replied yet, I need to think about it for a bit. I wonder if I’ll be brave enough to tell you just how smiley the ‘look back in anger’ reference made me. We shall see.
I have this burning, persistant desire to bare all here. I really feel it today. Like there is so much more to tell and explain. Today is one of those days. I think I’m getting closer and this is the nearest I’ve ever been. Today has been poo thus far. I am miserable. I need to cheer the hell up.