Almost there. Almost.

Hello Anna :)

*waves

Always waiting.

Well Carly
Am sad that I upset you , it certainly wasn’t my intention miss B.A. well done, i’m on the last three weeks of my coarse had 1 exam got a distinction 2 to go but i’m on top of it . When you said about your camper i nearly fell of my seat, this your never going to believe when i was around 4 years my dad had a volkswagen pick up he would then put the canvas hood on the back and a mattress on the floor we went camping it wiz great so if you go to whitley bay look for my two ships i left them out for the night by the sea shore and you guessed it they were gone in the morning. now please dont be dwelling to much on what i say to much you haven’t done anything wrong in fact your great. it will be better if you new me in person and got to understand when im serious and when i’m my normal stupid happy go lucky attitude, anyway kid am away to see ma pop on thursday but ill be in touch after that.
lots of love dadee xxx…

Carly, baby I think that you are top banana it was supposed to be a light hearted comment am sorry it upset you so dinny feel sad babe cos am chuffed wit u and Ben you have managed to achieve what I failed in,  any way ill b back later got to go to the dentist love yer dad

Hello,   it’s me. Today was Milly’s 6th birthday. Sadly she spent the day at school. Not the best way to spend your birthday but I think she had fun. We made cakes last night for her class, and one for each of her teachers AND the Headteacher and Deputy. Such a kiss arse! Like me…. hehe.   We had a great holiday in our tent, we went to Devon for two weeks. It rained solidly, well, almost. This year we decided we would improve our holidays for next year by buying a campervan. A classic, VW, 1978. Year of our birth…………. we are very excited about that.   Also, I had my degree classification; I was awarded a 2:1, which is pretty damn amazing for a mother of two. You can call me; Carly Sarah Woodall (Robertson) BA (hons) if you like? I’m proud of myself, I just can’t help it.   I would have replied sooner but have been pondering over things you wrote in your last email. I cannot lie to you; your comment about my acted anniversary party photos made me sad. Of course they were acted! It was a party! Did you not like them? Were you not delighted to receive them? Do you not want my pictures?   What do you want? I’m buggered if I know.   I always tell myself that I’ll wait for you to seek me out ‘this time’. I never manage it do I? I wonder why that is? I wonder why I can’t let this go, you, go.   I realise that this might be hard to read, indeed, it’s fucking tough to write. But, I’m at a funny place. I felt conflicted about telling you this because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, then I realised that it’s not fair on me to be the only hurty one.   Here I am, sharing my life with you, giving you my two best things; Milly and Sonny.   Do you want us? or are we too much? Should I have not contacted you? Left well alone?   I need to know, I’m sorry to be so brutal, but I don’t know what to do next.   Love to you and the girls, Carly xxx    

Not been here in a while. Came back from holiday hoping for an email from Dad. Nothing. Two months. I know I said I was giving up, I might cave soon.

This was a Dad blog.

Now it’s a parent blog.

I know why you moved away Mum. And I understand it. I do.

This morning Milly came into our bedroom, she had a cuddle then took herself off to find her uniform, get herself dressed, brush teeth etc. She came back into our bedroom and started brushing her hair. She’s so grown up. She brushed it like such a big girl, not leaving any knots and being so meticulous.

Couldn’t sleep last night for ages. Was thinking about a conversation I’d had with my Mum earlier regarding Millys birthday. I’d called her to invite her to Millys tea party.

Every time I ask Mum to be involved in that kinda stuff I feel her physically tense, she breathes faster and is nervous. She declined my invite. She said Sunday was a busy day for her now, what with church and everything. Said she’d send Millys present down with my sister and she’d catch up with Milly soon.

So. I have an amazing, sparkling, spirited and beautiful six year old, who melts my heart daily. She’s so bright. Sooo enchanting. Neither of my parents will be at her birthday tea. Nice.

I didn’t cry after the phone call. Was quite sad in bed last night. Tears rolling as I write this.

Wasn’t going to bother blogging, then as I watched Milly brush her hair this morning I realised I wanted to.

I feel like I talk about this a lot. I know I don’t ACTUALLY discuss it, but I think I feel like I do because it dominates so much of my thought space. I talk about it to myself so much I guess.

I miss my Mum so much. We used to be so close as I grew up. She’s a great Mum. She did a good job. So I don’t know why this makes me so sad.

But it does. Today, anyway. I’m not sure I’ll ever have them, either of them. My increased need/want/desire to have them in my life irritates the fuck out of me. I hate the way I’m reduced to a puddle and every time I allow myself to wallow.

I shouldn’t need them. Should I? I have everything I need, I know. I want my parents though. And today I really want my mum.

I’ve decided. I know I have said it before. But I’m giving up trying.